OK, I guess it’s time to come out of the closet so to speak. You see, I’m an over 40 mom. I’ve never really mentioned my age on my blog, but with Angel over at Flower Power Mom organizing the First International Tribute to Midlife Motherhood, I decided maybe it was time to come clean. Yes, I’m a “midlife mom”, although I can’t say that I truly consider myself to be in “midlife”.
Personally, here in Italy I haven’t been the subject of a lot of criticism or prejudice although I have seen it as I wander around the web. I see younger women who say that being an older mom is irresponsible. After all, we should be thinking about the fact that we could have a child with a disability, according to them. But, everyone runs that risk. I also see those who call “midlife moms” selfish and assume that we refused to have children when we were younger because we were career driven and didn’t want to give that up for children. They then say that once we realized that our biological clocks were winding down we got desperate. What they don’t take into account is the fact that many of us just didn’t find the right guy until later.
The other type of “prejudice” I see seems to come from the medical community. Websites are full of “gloom and doom” for women who are attempting to conceive or who have conceived. To read some of these websites leads one to believe that it’s a hopeless cause. They list all of the negative things that could happen and talk about how conceiving for a woman over 40 is almost impossible. While the internet is a great place for gathering information, just like any other information source, it depends upon where the information is coming from and what spin has been put on it. Objective information is very rare.
I recently fell prey to this negativity. We had decided to try for another child, even though I’m now 44 years old. All of the negative information was haunting me though. I guess it all made me think that these two years since my last pregnancy have changed everything. My first pregnancy came naturally and easily – I enjoyed being pregnant. But, I let negative thoughts creep in this time. When I became pregnant I was haunted by the fact that my sources on the web say that the percentage of miscarriage is higher in moms over 40. I thought about it every day, so I guess it’s not all that surprising that I ended up having one.
We need to counter this negative attitude towards parenthood over 40. First of all, years ago women still had children in their 40s, so there is nothing “unnatural” about it. Plus, today’s women in their 40s are much healthier. And personally, I know for certain that I am a better mother now than I would have been 15 or 20 years ago. I have more confidence and, most importantly, patience.
So, any of you over 40 moms out there, head on over to Flower Power Mom for more information on the First International Tribute to Midlife Motherhood. And if you’re on Facebook, join the group Flower Power Mom – The Truth About Motherhood After 40.
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Hi Mary:
It’s refreshing to hear about a culture that is more accepting about later life motherhood. The rest of us should look to Italy as an example of tolerance and acceptance.
FYI, the term “midlife” is based on the current average life expectancy of women (US specifically) being 80 yrs, although we should all hope to live longer.
Thank you for your support!
Angel
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Mary Reply:
March 10th, 2010 at 2:28 pm
Angel, hopefully what you’re doing will raise awareness in the US as well. I don’t know about the attitude in other countries, but I think it’s pretty much the same as in the states.
I think here in Italy later life motherhood is more common because, quite frankly, people tend to get married later. Then they’re settling down into married life before they decide to have children. The economy is also a factor too.
Keep up the great work!
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[...] For her blog on Flower Power Mom, go to: http://flavorsofabruzzo.com/2010/03/09/midlife-motherhood/ [...]
I’m amazed that anyone would consider you too old. Fifty nine, now that’s stretching it, but 44 for a second child? Boh!
If I have reservations, and are they mine to have? it’s the woman who is post menopausal who reverses that process to have a child that might be selfish.
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Mary Reply:
March 10th, 2010 at 2:31 pm
Judith, you should see some of what’s written out there on the web, including what health professionals have written. I never thought 44 was that old to have children, but to hear them tell it, it’s ancient. I do agree with you when the woman is post menopausal. I read about a 60+ year old woman who had ivf. That’s pushing it too far.
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I love how Italy doesn’t see me (at 34) as old to have children. However, one of my closest friends in TX had to see a specialist b/c she was “high risk!” I agree with so much of what you said, especially the part about thinking you are a better mother because of the things your age has taught you. I hope I’ll be like that, too, Mary!
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Mary Reply:
March 10th, 2010 at 2:36 pm
Thanks Cherrye! I’m sure you’ll be a great mom when you’re ready. Most of the women who were having children at the same time as I was were in their 30s, with some in their 40s, so it’s definitely not an issue here.
I’m amazed about your friend in Texas being “high risk” though. That seems a little over the top to me. And, to be honest, I’m a little skeptical about all of the statistics about older mothers and birth defects/disabilities. I’d like to see the actual studies.
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I think there are waaaay too many mother-related prejudices. Too old, too young, at home, in the work force, too many kids, not enough kids…etc. It’s crazy! Moms should just be moms, that’s it! =)
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Mary Reply:
March 12th, 2010 at 2:49 pm
You have a point Bethany. The big thing with the over 40 moms though is not only the prejudices from society, but also the prejudice from the medical community. When they start treating moms in their 30s as if they too are “at risk”, there’s definitely a problem.
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I was nineteen. I am a much better mother now. Ask my kid.
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Good for you for coming out in the open!! There is a lot to be said for over 40 woman being excellent mothers with much life experience and personal growth behind us. I for one, know that I will be much a MUCH better mum now, than I ever could have been in my 20′s.
But the main reasons for me being an over 40 mum is not choice as you mentioned, but I didn’t meet my partner until I was 38. Pure and simple explanation.
So glad you found my blog. I look forward to reading more of yours.
xx
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Mary Reply:
March 12th, 2010 at 2:41 pm
Thanks! I’ve got you set in my blog reader.
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Hi MAry, I live in TX and I’m also a 40 something with a toddler but I also have 2 teens?! yeah my toddler was a surprise baby, I thought I was becoming menopausal and oh oh it was a baby. And there’s predujice at the dooctor’s office , you see people looking at you in a mean way. even at the pediatrician office too, too much preasure, i had to change doctor’s because of that, even the nurses do the same thing. I did enjoy being pregnant back then with my teens then now with this baby. Now let’s see when she starts going to pre-school. So I just hope she will alright! Enjoy your kiddo, they sure grow fast…gina
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Mary Reply:
March 22nd, 2010 at 4:27 pm
Fortunately I didn’t have to deal with that Gina and I was amazed when I heard about it. I’m sure you’re little girl will be fine as a pre-schooler!
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