Excuse me if I take some space for something very personal. I hesitate to post it, but feel that doing so may be therapeutic for me. You see, I don’t tend to share these things with anyone (and I do mean anyone) and sometimes can only express myself through writing. I have other things I’ve written tucked away on my computer and over time they’ve gotten deleted as I change computers or upgrade or whatever. As I write this, I’m not even sure if I will hit the publish button and if I do, I’m not sure I won’t go in and delete it later. This kind of thing rarely gets talked about, but somehow I think it’s wrong to just go on, pretending as if it never happened and never acknowledging it. It’s just craziness… So, if you’re reading this it means that I did hit the publish button and I’m probably sitting at the computer thinking how crazy I was to do so.
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Even though I’ve never seen your face, I love you anyway. Do you know, I was convinced from the very beginning that you were a girl. We never will know, but I still have those images in my mind of a little squirmy baby dressed in a little pink body suit. I tried to picture you and wondered if you would look like your daddy or like me or a little bit of both. And, while I suffered through 24 hour nausea, I relished it at the same time because I mistakenly believed that it was a sign that all was going well, unlike the last time. I was so positive that I even started thinking about names. But then I found out that your little heart wasn’t beating and that it had most likely stopped weeks before. I didn’t cry then as we made the necessary arrangements and I wasn’t able to grieve for several hours afterwards. Instead I was forced to talk to people and act as if my world hadn’t suddenly tilted and gone dark. I was on auto-pilot, walking and talking in a fog. It wasn’t until hours later that I was able to mourn, when I was alone and no one could hear me, especially your brother since I didn’t want to upset him. Then I buried my face in the pillow and moaned and wailed as my heart broke yet again. And, I cried again after the anesthesia wore off even though I didn’t want anyone to see my private grief. You were only with me for 11 short weeks, but you will always be a part of me. Please forgive me if I say it’s all for the best and try to find reasons why it’s a good thing for your brother to be an only child. I’m only trying to keep myself going. Your brother’s smiles and giggles are good medicine for me though. So, I’ll light and candle for you and for the other one who we never got to meet. Know that you will always be in my heart.
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I could barely get through the first couple of lines of your post before the tears filled my eyes. Somehow I just knew what you were about to announce. I’m so terribly sorry for you.
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Mary Reply:
July 22nd, 2010 at 2:30 pm
Thank you Rose. Writing the post and posting it has made me feel a little better.
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It is always better to share. It takes strength to do so. It usually brings great relief.
I wish I could speak words of comfort, let you know that I’ve experienced the same thing and know how you feel but the truth is that I haven’t and for that reason can’t know exactly how you feel. Being a mother, I can imagine the pain.
*hugs*
Annika´s last blog ..casa mia
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Mary Reply:
July 22nd, 2010 at 1:55 pm
Actually Annika, it did help me some to post that. For some reason the writing wasn’t enough, but the posting helped.
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Mary: I’m so sorry for your loss. I didn’t realize you were expecting again. Nothing I say will help the pain, but just know we are thinking of you and O. Love, Rosemary
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Mary Reply:
July 22nd, 2010 at 1:56 pm
Thanks Rosemary. We hadn’t announced anything yet since it was early. Especially after already going through this once this year. Who would have thought it could happen again?
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You might be surprised how many of us could have written that. Start with me. We are both fortunate that we did have at least that one success, too.
Judith in Umbria´s last blog ..Umbria via GPS
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Mary Reply:
July 22nd, 2010 at 1:57 pm
Yes, we are fortunate that we’ve had one success, but sometimes people think that for that reason we shouldn’t feel any pain or grief about the situation. I don’t understand that sentiment. I really hesitated about posting this, but it helped me heal a little.
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Bravery. You are brave. This is such a part of who you are. These, the most awful, painful things, shape us in ways we can only see much later. To share is not just right, it’s essential. Essential. I know how much this hurts you, and I cannot write anything here to make it easier or better. No one can. But there are many of us who can feel for you and wish that we could just make you a cup of tea and relieve the hurt, even for a minute or two.
I think many in the generation before thought it was better to “keep these things to ourselves.” At least that’s how I was raised, which is maybe why I think it’s so important to share. The loss is HUGE and putting it outside yourself gives it dimension as people can reflect back to you their understanding – instead of you carrying it around like a nebulous cloud of pain unable to find clarity. I hope that by posting this, you can find a bit of just that- clarity and dimension, empathy and sympathy and love.
Brava.
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Mary Reply:
July 23rd, 2010 at 2:17 pm
Beautiful words Diana. Thank you so much. Posting this had helped, something I really didn’t think would happen. I know this has happened to numerous other women, some many times more than has happened to me, but I also feel that it’s something that’s hard to grieve about because we just don’t talk about these things. Women often keep pregnancy a secret until the start of the second trimester so that if it does happen, they don’t have to talk about it. But, that doesn’t help the grieving process. Thanks again for your kind words.
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Mary, I sorry to hear of your loss.
Ed & I had gone thought the same ordeal twice before we had Justin. Years later, I had my palms read and he told me that my daughther Sarina (my angel) had come to me twice before her time with us. I’m hoping the best for you and O! Your in our thoughts!
Love, Maryjane
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Mary Reply:
July 23rd, 2010 at 2:12 pm
Thanks Maryjane. It’s hard when it happens twice, isn’t it? At my age, I doubt there will be another time, so we’ll just shower our little Luigi with love and count our blessings.
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Mary Reply:
July 23rd, 2010 at 2:13 pm
Thanks Maryjane. The second time it happened was so much harder than the first. Each week that went by made me feel more confident and positive, only to have my hopes dashed. At my age, I doubt there will be another time, so we’ll just shower our little Luigi with love and count our blessings.
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So sorry for your loss. Every loss is a hard loss. Things like this bring tears to my eyes and I am lost for words. God bless you and your family.
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Mary Reply:
July 23rd, 2010 at 2:10 pm
Thank you Gil
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Your in good shape Mary, if posible god will provide, it’s not your age that will stop you! Just keep an open mind.
MJ
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Mary Reply:
July 28th, 2010 at 2:43 pm
I will Maryjane. If it’s meant to be, it will be.
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Very good to post cuz, love to you always.
Giolina´s last blog ..Server Transfer
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Mary, that brought tears to my eyes. I’m so sorry you lost your baby. I’m glad that posting about it helped you a little. You’re in my thoughts. Big hugs.
KC´s last blog ..Medieval Bestiary- Lion
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Mary Reply:
July 31st, 2010 at 2:26 pm
Thanks KC.
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